The word that appears as “submission” in English is a translation of the Greek word hupotasso. In the Greek language, this word means “a voluntary attitude of giving in and cooperating.”
When a woman submits, she chooses to place herself under the authority of another. Think of it this way. You can’t really say “yes” unless you also have the power to say “no.” That means that in order to submit, you recognize your power and you choose to harness it for a greater goal. Instead of dominating or undercutting your husband, you choose to invest in him. The word submit was often used in the Greek culture as a military term. It communicated the idea, once again, of voluntarily placing oneself under the direct leadership of another for the purpose of a higher goal.
Wives are not the only ones in the Bible who are called to submit. Christians are commanded to submit to each other (1 Corinthians 16:15 and Ephesians 5:21), to church leaders (Hebrews 2:13) and to government (Romans 13:1 and 1 Peter 2:13). In each of these cases, adults willingly recognize another’s place of God-given position. You submit to common social customs all of the time, even though you have the power and freedom to choose otherwise. When you are flying on an airplane, you don’t demand to board first. You wait for your turn. Why? Because you understand that you play a part of maintaining order for the greater good.
Please don’t misunderstand submission as the absence of power and influence. Many women believe that they are submitting by adopting the attitude of, “Whatever he does is fine. I will just follow along.” Then they feel abandoned, violated, and resentful when their husbands make terrible decisions. By choosing submission, a woman does not neglect her influence in her marriage, but actually accentuates it. The more influence she has with her husband, the better. She wants him to know her thoughts, feelings, and opinions. She wants to be his confidante, the one he turns to in good and bad times.
One of the best words to describe the spirit of submission is “empower.” To empower means “to promote the self-actualization or influence of.” In essence, a woman empowers her husband when she uses her influence and strength to help him to become a stronger, more confident, and godly person. Instead of threatening his influence, her power actually heightens it.
This is consistent with the fact that God created Eve to be Adam’s ezer (the word that is usually translated as helper). In Fully Alive, Dr. Larry Crabb explains the power of an ezer this way:“Notice this: the word ezer is never used to refer to a subordinate serving a superior, certainly not when it is used to refer to God as our helper. In the Greek translation of the Old Testament, ezer is translated as boethos. That word literally means ‘help provided by someone strong.” Submission is perhaps the greatest expression of power because it is power harnessed for a greater good.
The opposite of a submissive woman is a dominant or controlling woman. This distinction is made not because one uses her power and the other does not, but rather because each one uses her influence for exactly opposite reasons. The dominant woman cannot trust her husband’s leadership. So she uses all of her influence to take his power away from him. She invests all of her energy into proving to him that her way is better. Over time, her husband becomes more insecure, and less invested in meeting his family’s needs.
On the flip side, the submissive wife uses all of her God-given influence to build her husband’s ability to lead. She shares her ideas, opinions, and feelings in a way that builds his confidence and adds to his ability to understand his family’s needs. Her goal is not to take his leadership away, but to empower him to grow into this difficult role. She does not use his mistakes to prove his inadequacies, but she succeeds and fails with him. The message that her submission communicates is: “I know you are not perfect, but I trust in God’s work in your life. I believe you are capable of being the great leader for our family that God has called you to be. I will help you with all that I am to achieve this goal.”
1. Submission means embracing the bigger picture of marriage.
There is a very important distinction between a Christian marriage and one that exists between two people who don’t know God. Christians realize that their relationship is about more than the pursuit of happiness. Your marriage is painting a picture of God’s covenant love, specifically of Christ’s love for His bride. This means that your marriage is intended to be something on earth that reflects spiritual truth. As you work out the practical aspects of navigating life with your husband, you both should be learning about the passionate, committed and sacrificial love of Jesus. If you don’t grab onto this, you won’t understand why God created male and female to “fit” together as unique creations. Granted, even Paul admits in Ephesians 5 that this picture is a mystery. We won’t fully understand it here on earth, but we can embrace the fact that there is something very sacred about a Christian marriage.
The differences between your deepest longings and your husband’s deepest longings are not the result of social evolution. They reflect the Creator’s intention. Author and pastor David Platte put it this way:
“When God made man, then woman, and then brought them together in a relationship called marriage, he wasn’t simply rolling the dice, drawing straws, or flipping a coin. He was painting a picture. His intent from the start was to illustrate his love for his people. For God created the marriage relationship to point to a greater reality. From the moment marriage was instituted, God aimed to give the world an illustration of the Gospel.”
When I choose to have a submissive spirit toward my husband, I do so not just because I want a better marriage. When our relationship is in a difficult spot, submission matters because I want to be faithful to the picture God is painting in my marriage. I know that my husband cannot become the hero God created him to be if I’m not consistently committing my strength to complete rather than compete with him. I want more than a good marriage. I want a marriage that reflects the goodness of God Himself.
Couples can cope with almost any situation as long as they believe that they are in it together; but when it becomes “my opinion versus yours,” the blaming starts and oneness stops. There is a time to express individual thoughts, feelings and preferences; and then there is a time to make decisions as a united couple.
When you insist on getting your way in marriage, you may win the battle but you will lose the war. There are definitely times when a submissive wife stands her ground, confronts her husband, and refuses to follow him. But she does so out of a greater strength from and commitment to God, not just to stay in control.
2. Submission means not giving way to fear.
Let’s go back to 1 Peter 3. Notice this statement, “You are her (Sarah’s) daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” The enemy of submission is fear. I am most likely to use my power destructively when I am afraid. Marriage makes us vulnerable. It exposes our deepest needs and at times leaves us feeling “naked”. For a man to be masculine and for a woman to be feminine exposes the greatest level of vulnerability. It means that he must step up (move into the chaos) knowing that he might fail and be humiliated. And it means that she must step back (refuse to control) knowing that she may be disappointed and unprotected.
And so building intimacy in marriage means that we must confront fear. What if he messes up? What if he leads our family down the wrong path? What if he abandons me or rejects me? When fear wins the day, we are either paralysed into weakness or mobilized to take control. We either bury our power or use it to bury our husbands.
Your fear will always play a role in how you negotiate situations within your marriage. The “bigger picture” of my marriage helps me realize that fear doesn’t have to dominate me. While I work on trusting my imperfect husband, I am also working to more completely trust my perfect Husband. This needs to be more about my yielding to His ways rather than yielding to what my husband wants. Yes, the vulnerability of marriage can be frightening and intimidating. But much less so when I refuse to stake my survival on how my husband reacts to me.
I love how Larry Crabb explains it:
“A woman with a gentle spirit does not live in mortal fear of her husband. Fear no longer requires her to protect her soul. She is therefore free to honor a higher good, to respect her husband as a fellow image-bearer, and to invite him by her gentle attitude to be the man he was created to be.” (p. 61).
If you are committed to building intimacy in your marriage, trust the One who created it in the first place. There is no new secret to a happy marriage that overrides how God designed us to interact as husband and wife. You have power. That power is building or tearing down intimacy in your marriage. God has given you wisdom on how to use your power in a way that honors Him and promotes intimacy.
To read the original blog post by Juli Slattery , you may visit here.